MKE #2 – Week 16

“its-just-another-hill-on-the-cosmic-roller-coaster”

Plagued by feelings of inadequacy

i sometimes think that all my efforts have been in vain.

That the sacrifices and endeavors i have made to improve have fallen short

no matter what ive done, its never good enough

never enough, for me, to me?

Looking around it seems the grass is always greener somewhere else.

The same things i do, someone else has surpassed me in without trying.

Does this mean i have failed to be someone worthwhile?

Should i give up, stop trying, shrink away into a cave of solemn hopelessness?

Then i find a piece of something i have created years ago, letting the natural inclinations

and first response be free to express i think “Wow, I made this?”

And a long time ago too…

“What happened?”

I inquire within, asking myself why it seems i have only regressed instead of

grown into a better more improved version of what i hold in my hands.

Then it dawns on me,

the thing i see in my hands is only a reflection of what i hold in my heart,

was my heart more pure at the time of creation in the project

or do i recall feeling the same in those moments as well.

Just as unsatisfied with myself, with my expression of being

how hateful i have been all my life, to myself.

I feel the pain I have caused

and i think again

“Wow, I made this?”

Two opposite sides of the same coin.

One is Proud of me, the other ashamed.

Do i see why i judge myself so harshly?

Not a clue, perhaps it is because

i thought it is what i do that defines who I AM.

Quite the contrary, In my observations recently

my studies seem to support

who i am and what i do are

governed by what i think about who I Am

and what i feel is in harmony with that.

I practiced being a silent non-judgmental observer

for awhile now, giving no opinions unless asked.

And now i find in perhaps perceived silence,

there is an inner-gaurdsman at the gate of my heart and soul

No, not even the familiar thoughts of my head are allowed within

without a trial of justice.

Is this true?

Is this Kind?

Is this necessary?

Is this what i desire?

Feelings of Inadequacy just doesn’t pass the test,

itself says it is inadequate.

Well, even if i perceive in the moment that who I Am

or what I do and Create is not good enough,

at least not yet.

I will let it go, and leave myself be,

Really, who am i to judge?

Perhaps Nothing is My Creation anyway.

So who am judging then, My higher Self?

Maybe I truly dont even have the right to consider

judging myself, as i do not have the ultimate control

over anything in my life.

Only the power to influence how i think and feel

about this inter-active experience, this gift that i am being given

to observe and appreciate.

So why am i wasting my time critisizing?

No mas…

I will love myself more,

this is yet another oppurtunity to

transform my present perception

and align it more fully

with who and what i truly desire to be.

I Completely forgive and love myself,

I Am Free to be Happy and In Harmony with all the good in this world.

I Accept this Now, Here and So it is…

And everything i make is amazing,

because it exists!

 

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